THE DIFFICULT STORY OF MY EXPERIENCE WITH MY MIDWIVES.
I’ve been debating for months whether or not I should make this post.
It’s been such a back and forth struggle for me and it’s complicated as to why.
I felt like if I made this post then that meant I was wrong. Wrong about everything. Wrong about homebirth. Wrong about midwifery care. Wrong about doctors and hospitals. Wrong about everything I preached for 40 weeks.
It’s taking a lot to make this post. I’m having to be 100% honest with myself and with everyone.
I’m having to be honest about 2 people I entrusted with my life and the life of my child.
I’m having to try and be honest about my experience, and at the same time still hope I can encourage others to seek less medical intervention with their health-despite my story.
I still think homebirth and midwifery care can be amazing and beautiful and better than “traditional” medical care.
My experience.
I interviewed with three midwives who owned their own business. I had other interviews lined up, but I felt as though I clicked with these ladies immediately so I went with them without meeting with anyone else. I don’t think that was a bad idea. I strongly believe in vibing with people. I vibed with these ladies.
They were very very supportive whilst I was in their care. They were kind, caring, educational and helpful. I thoroughly enjoyed being in their care. They made me feel confident in myself, which I loved! I was inspired by them to start a journey into birth work! I wanted to be a midwife like they were. I wanted to help other women have beautiful home births.
I loved the way we did the majority of prenatal care. No ultrasounds unless I wanted them. No unnecessary tests unless I wanted them or there was reason to do a test. Alternative ways of testing, like no glucose drink. No vaginal exams-hallelujah. Hour long meetings so we got to know each other. Nothing was rushed. Everything was chill. They were chill. It was hippie heaven.
I mentioned in the beginning I entrusted my birth to two people then said I met with three ladies. This should have been my first sign, but I didn’t have all the info.
The third lady, I’d say she was a little older than the other two and more level headed. I’d say she was the rock that tethered the other two down. She left the practice. I had asked what happened and they said she had some family issues to deal with. After snooping of Facebook I found out she left and started a new midwifery business. I should have asked more questions.
Not a big deal, but I should have been more concerned about why someone would start a business with two people and a few months later leave.
My entire pregnancy everything was 100%! I was healthy. Baby was healthy.
At around 35-36 weeks my BP spiked.
This is where things start going down hill and this is where me telling my story gets difficult.
They thought it was stress induced. White coat syndrome. I agreed because I have anxiety. I worry. You tell me not to worry about something, I worry about it 10 times more than I should. Worry and anxiety makes your BP high as it is.
Did I think deep down it was stress induced? I don’t know. It’s hard to not have a hindsight bias in this case. I think part of me did, but I tried to stay positive. I wanted a homebirth and I was going to get it!!
They wanted me to keep track of it and send them my numbers. They said, “if it’s high, take some time to relax and take it again.” I did. And it’d go down. Not to a normal level, but it’d go down. They seemed to be okay with that. I’m talking 130-134 as the systolic and 87-95 diastolic. So obviously not a good range, but as a pregnant person, blood pressure is higher- but not as high as mine was the first time I’d take it. My “normal” range was in the 140’s-150’s. That’s HIGH!
I was honest with them. “It’s high, but I take it a few more times and it goes down.”
“See you’re fine. It goes down after you relax. That’s stress induced.”
It never went down to a good normal 120/90 level (still hasn’t without meds *At the time of writing this*).
Around 37/38 weeks I started having ridiculous amounts of itching at night. Like I wanted to rip my skin off. I knew that could be a sign of Cholestasis. Which can cause a stillborn after 37 weeks! I brought it up to them, and because the itching went away and I didn’t have a rash, it wasn’t an issue. Their words not mine.
Turns out I had Cholestasis.
As for my high BP, I kept getting, “you don’t look like someone with preeclampsia.” And to their defense, I didn’t match any of the preeclampsia symptoms other than High BP. But as someone with an autoimmune disease, I’ve always hated that comment, “well you don’t look sick.”
This is where I have to get honest with myself and accept my part in all of this. I could have asked for a blood test to test my liver function. I could have asked for a protein test to test for preeclampsia. I didn’t. Why?
I wanted a home birth and I trusted them. They told me I was okay. They were the professionals. I was a worrier. I trusted them.
At 39 weeks they decided it was a good time to give me a protein test. Thirty. Nine. Weeks.
Part of me feels like they knew what the results were going to be, but they wanted to wait until 39 weeks to see if I’d spontaneously go into labour. I didn’t. That’s also highly irresponsible!
We all know what happened next. I got transferred. I had preeclampsia (possibly HELLP syndrome), so my protein was beyond high. And my liver and/or kidney enzymes were not good (the itching).
I can’t begin to explain how devastated I was. I say that often, “I was devastated.” You can never know how I was feeling unless you’ve felt it.
They told me to call them when I got to the hospital and that they would be there for me the whole time.
I wish I could say they were.
They had scared me. They made me afraid of drs and of hospital birth. They weren’t wrong in what they had told me. Everything they said was based in fact, but it was how they said it.
I don’t like doctors, but I do believe when needed they’re a fantastic option. Labour (and I’m speaking of a healthy labour) isn’t a need for a doctor. The way they spoke, doctors in the labour and delivery ward were horrendous, evil monsters that would never let you birth the way you wanted. Are there doctors like that? Yes! Are there great doctors? Yes!
That last one wasn’t an option for them.
I get to the hospital. They told me they’d be there for me the whole time.
I don’t think they expected me to fight as much as I did. I think they expected me to give up and do what was easy (hello. Have you met me?)
They were there for me the first night. Maybe less than the first night. I have no concept of time whilst I was in labour. I just remember seeing them one time and they were supportive. “You’re doing great. We know this isn’t what you wanted, but you’re doing awesome!”
The end.
Really.
The next time I saw them (again no concept of time) one of them told me it’d be easier to get a c section. ….. let that sink in.
A midwife. Who had spent 9 months telling me how terrible and unnecessary and dangerous c sections were, was telling me, nonchalantly, “you might as well get a c section.”
W. H. A. T??????
I didn’t see them again at the hospital.
At one point we had the option of taking a breaking from Pitocin and starting again after a 2 hour break. I didn’t know if that was good or not. My Doula said we should call my midwives and ask them. I didn’t want to talk to them because I had already felt abandoned. I think she did it to be respectful, and kudos to her!
One of my midwives said something like, “well I’ve never had experience with induction.” Which is absurd for a birthworker of 10+ years to have never had experience or knowledge of induction. It was also a lie. When I met them the first time, I got their bios and it clearly said they’d dealt with inductions.
It sounds bad, but it gets worse.
She. Hung. Up. On. My. Doula. Then said it was a dropped call after we had called her back 5+ mins later. Not a dropped call.
I felt 100% abandoned. They brushed off everything. They told me to get a csection. They didn’t have confidence in my ability to birth as naturally as possible.
How the hell are you midwives?
Baby A arrived. They had texted me and Devin every now and then. I straight up ignored them. How dare you, or anyone, want to see my baby when you’ve done absolutely NOTHING for us!
We came home and I decided to give them another chance.
“Yeah you can come over and do a postpartum.”
“How are you feeling?”
“Tired. My stitches hurt. Do you have any suggestions on what I can do so they hurt less?”
“Where are your stitches?”
…. my throat because I vomited my child up.
Where do you think they are for a vaginal birth?
Again I avoided their texts, but they came over anyways. I had my guard up. They came by and every word that came out of their mouth I judged.
Another how dare you moment. How dare you be so nonchalant about this. You abandoned me. I trusted you two and you abandoned me.
And just the way they spoke about things, it was like it was my fault. It wasn’t. I later emailed them and told them I didn’t want to continue postpartum care with them as I didn’t feel comfortable since I didn’t birth with them.
They again made me feel like it was all my fault. “We understand YOU need to work through this in your own way.”
No, I’ve worked through it. I accepted in the hospital that this was my destiny. I wasn’t meant to have Baby A at home and if you read my birth story you know why. I accepted that. I loved the majority of my drs and nurses. I LOVED them. Some of them were more supportive than my midwives.
My Doula suggest I look at the contract I signed with them to see if I could get my money back. I looked……
Scroll up and see when my BP spiked…….
35-36 weeks. A perfect time to say, “hmm. Your BP is really high. As a precaution let’s just check your protein levels.”
Nope. Instead they waited.
Why am I mentioning that?
At 37 weeks, you don’t get a refund.
I could have had my levels checked and my labour and delivery probably wouldn’t have been as intense as it was, And I could have gotten my money back. Which I deserved. I also could have had time to mentally prepare myself for a hospital birth versus being literally thrown into one last minute.
Do I think they abused their power? Yes. Too much of it adds up. Delayed testing, 0 f***s given when I was transferred, abandonment, putting the blame on me, etc etc.
I 100% believe it was done intentionally.
I later learned, another Doula had worked at a birth with them and she said it was horrible, they were horrible.
Do I think they’re bad people?
No. I don’t think they’re bad people.
I don’t think they should have people’s lives in their hands. I don’t think they should be in birth work. Not a midwife, not a birth educator, not a Doula. Nothing. The way they cared for me, the way they educated me, the way they didn’t support me. Nope. They don’t deserve to be a part of the amazing and beautiful moment of birth. Not in my opinion.
On top of that, they made me not trust people that were, in the end, there for me. They put so much doubt in my mind about people.
With all of this said, would I recommend homebirth and midwifery care to people? Yes, 100% yes yes yes! Over the moon yes!
Do your research above anything, research everything. Trust yourself. If you feel like something is wrong, please listen to that. The worst thing to happen is your concern is addressed and taken care of in a timely matter. I had an amazing pregnancy because of my journey. Birth work and education has become something I’m passionate about because of my journey. I’ve made life long connections with people I never would have met if I had a home birth. I consider my Doula to be one of my very very good friends!
I’ve learned there are still some absolutely amazing nurses and doctors in the world.
Would I personally have midwifery care again and/or a homebirth? At this very second, I’d consider dual care. My current OBGYN is the man I owe my life to. I have a lot of trauma to still deal with. So I can’t 100% make that decision yet. Do I want a homebirth? Desperately. I hate the idea of spending days in the hospital for no reason. With Baby A, I had a reason. Healthy, no issue births, don’t have a reason.
It’s difficult to make that decision right now.
It’s terrifying for me to make this post. I don’t want my old midwives to see this. I don’t want to cause drama. I don’t like confrontation.
More than that though, they risked my life and Baby A’s life. I don’t want another family to have to go through that. And maybe that family won’t be as lucky as we were.
Part of me feels like, if they saw this, if I posted this on a google review, they’d come back and find some way to blame me for everything that happened. So I’m torn. Do I make this public? Do I spread my story? Do I risk retaliation from them? I have more important things to deal with than possible retaliation/drama from these people. I don’t want to risk it.
However, as someone who wants to work in the birth field and who is passionate about women being informed and educated and empowered… how can I not say something? I’d be doing myself and women a disservice.
It’s a personal conundrum that I need to think on and figure out the best way to go about this.
That’s my story about my midwives. I’ve been hinting about this in videos. And I’m finally telling it, as hard as it is.
-Kaylan
*Fast forward a few years after writing this. I am a birth worker now, and any time I see someone ask for birth center recs or these midwives are recommended I always have to speak up. I never make anything public (other than this blog because my story won’t be silenced), I simply say, “I have to recommend against ________. Please feel free to message me for more info.” And I send those mamas this post and my birth story. I’ve had their apprentices or whoever works with them message me and threaten me that they’re going to sue me for libel. You can’t sue someone for libel if what that person is saying is true. And to even threaten someone for offering a different opinion is just awful and a true showing of this group’s character. *